The World According to Craig

Hot Stuff!

So that's how he gets all of the chicks!

posted by Craig Geiger @ 10:36 PM 2 comments

Unrated Version

Marketing ploy? Excessive nudity? Midnight Cowboy? What exactly does the Unrated Version entail?

Hollywood has come up with a new way to fool consumers into dropping millions of dollars into DVD's that are basically the same as the theatrical version. This ruse is aptly named the Unrated Version. Any movie can be given this nomenclature, but few are worthy enough to be put to the test. The laymen's definition for Unrated Version is "any version of a said movie that is not screened before a liscenced MPAA board." This could be anything. They could make "The Lion King" Unrated. This could include a scene with Scar (Voice of Jeremy Irons) talking about the fact that he is Welsh. That is all it takes. A scene that was not shown in theaters and not approved by the MPAA becomes the Unrated Version. I was conveniently screwed by this when I rented the unrated version of "The Girl Next Door". I assumed that unrated version meant Elisha Cuthbert got naked. This was so far from the truth and instead I was treated to a Timothy Oliphant ass scene.

In conclusion, rent American Pie 4:Back to Band Camp:Unrated.

I wish I were
kidding.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 10:09 PM 0 comments

Parrot

A parrot is defined in the Urban Dictionary as follows:

'any black person, usually the black people who dont work hard and dont do shit'

Example of word used in a sentence.

"Wow, look at that filthy parrot sitting there scratching his nutsack."

For those fucksticks reading my blog that are politically correct, go fuck yourselves, for all others continue on.

I just had my vehicle broken into for the 10th time in a matter of about 4 years. I was parked near a predominantly black neigborhood in San Francisco. Do the math! I am so sick of this goddamn country. All we do is stick our nose into the problems of other countries while we have a million problems going on here. This country is filled with a million degenerate people that need to be helped. Why are we worrying about the fate of a million sand parrots when a million regular parrots are breaking into cars so that they can get enough money to buy some more crack? Instead of pointing the finger at other countries and all of their wrongs why not look into the fucking mirror and realize that this country is in awful shape. Every great empire falls. Do you think that the Roman Empire ever thought that they would be obsolete one day? Obviously not. In conclusion, fuck W, fuck this country and fuck all that think there is nothing wrong with this fucking place.

One last thought. If someone were to give you a coupon book with free passes to a few different locales which coupon would go unused.

Compton-Black
Chinatown-Chinese
Greenwich-White

Do the Math!

posted by Craig Geiger @ 7:43 PM 3 comments

Wishful thinking? or Actual Person?

posted by Craig Geiger @ 5:11 PM 0 comments

Merry Christmas

Hey, come back here with those toys!

posted by Craig Geiger @ 9:17 PM 1 comments

Johnny Gaymon to join Gay-Rod and Jeter Swallows on the Hated Yankees

My prediction came true. Unfortunately for us.

Shocking news on the Boston sports front. Theo Epstein has resigned as GM of the Red Sox. I sure hope Mr. Burns and his cronies realize just how big this decision really is. In the coming weeks look for the Sox brass to trade Manny to the Angels for Jarrod Washburn/crappy prospect. Also, look for Johnny Damon to sign with the hated Yankees.My prediction for next season is a third place finish in the AL East. Hopefully this will lead to decreased demand and the everyday Joe Schmo will be able to get tickets again.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 8:43 PM 0 comments

Homar signs with the Dodgers! LA Cholo Sox are taking the field next April. Buy your tickets now.

Quick question: Is there a bigger homo?

Remember that Sports Illustrated blurb about 3 years ago that mentioned a prominent gay athlete playing for a team on the East Coast. The story never came full circle and that athlete was never revealed. If you think about it it becomes clear. Nomar's sudden distaste for the Boston media. His B.A. Barracus attitude that put a black cloud over the last two years of his time in Boston. Perhaps someone in the Boston media had discovered that he was gay and was threatening to expose him. What would be the only way to make this media members story sound ridiculous? You guessed it. Get married. So he found a woman who liked other woman and convinced her that in the best interest of both of their images they should get married. Think about it.

* This story contains not a shred of factual information. This is pure speculation.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 6:35 PM 0 comments

Letter to the Editor

What exactly does an editor do? They certainly don't edit articles for mistakes. Every day I spot mistakes in newspapers, magazines and articles on the internet. Obviously I am an ambush reader, but I challenge you to read the previous post and point out the glaring error contained in it. The first to spot the error wins a prize.

Prize: A check for $100 made out to TBA Research Group. We need to stop this disease once and for all.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 6:27 PM 0 comments

Good News For People Who Love Bad News

Showtime, ABC may bail out 'Arrested'

Supposedly on its last legs, Fox's "Arrested Development" may see new life on either ABC or Showtime once Fox officially cancels it. Though no official talks have taken place, both networks have supposedly called Fox over getting the rights to the hilarious, Grammy-winning yet low-rated comedy.

According to Daily Variety, the show costs $1.6 million per episode to make, which contributed to Fox's recent decision to cut this season from 22 to 13 episodes. That and the fact that it averages only 4 million viewers per week, low for network television, but twice the average of a hit show on cable.

The news comes two weeks after executive producer Brian Glazer told CNN he was working to make sure this year wouldn't be "Arrested Development's" last, though he didn't provide details.

This season ends in late January or early February.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 5:40 PM 0 comments

The Tuck Rule

The tuck rule has been the source of nonstop laughter since Vegas. Apparently this laughter has carried all the way to Hollywood. In the unrated version of "40 Year Old Virgin" the tuck rule is specifically mentioned. Also, as the credits were rolling I noticed that the screenplay was written by someone named Nay La Punta. Coincidence? I think not.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 5:18 PM 0 comments

What's next? Remakes of Classic Cereals

Is it just me or is 90% of everything a remake/sequel? I'm talking everything. Tv shows, songs, movies, cars etc. Is there no remaining originality. I went to see a movie last weekend and in it I saw a preview for "The Shaggy Dog" starring Tim Allen as the title character. Didn't this movie blow the first time around? Why do we feel the need to continually torture ourselves with things we didn't even enjoy the first time around? I guess the answer to this foolish question is money. Money makes the world go around. Every time an A Fucking Trocious movie such as Scooby Doo makes $100 million at the box office a secret door is opened which allows for a live action remake of the Smurfs. Who would play Papa Smurf you ask? Why Sean Connery of course. Who would play Homo Smurf? I'll bet a sonogram machine you can guess who that would be. You might laugh at how preposterous this sounds, but I guarantee it will happen in the not so distant future. Pretty soon they are going to start remaking best picture winners. Driving Miss Daisy will be remade starring Bernie Mac and Bea Arthur. The Godfather remake will feature Michael Madsen as Don Corleone and Mickey Rourke as Sonny. I figure while they are at it, why not remake classic cereals. I'm talking Legend of Zelda/Super Mario with the split box feature. I'm talking C-3P O's and Frankenberry. Now that is something I would gladly welcome with open arms.

*This post is brought to you by Final Destination 3. The first two Final Destinations weren't crappy enough so we decided to torture you with one more mind blowingly shitty movie.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 7:33 PM 0 comments

The Return of the MANDATORY Download of the Week

I have been shirking my MANDATORY duties as of late and have not provided you with a MANDATORY download for quite some time. I will make up for this by offering one not one MANDATORY download. Unfortunately for some of you it was featured on last weeks episode of the O.C.

Go Sadness-The Shout Out Louds

Good show. Great song. Check it out or you just might end up on a bottle of Cabana Boy.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 7:20 PM 0 comments

Working Out with the Sarge?

I came across a familiar face the other day while browsing the internet.

We used to sell this shit at the liquor store and I never noticed that Jay was in fact the "Cabana Boy"

So this is what you were doing when you told us you had to drive home and work out with the Sarge. It all makes sense now. The sketchy leather jacket, the No Fear t-shirt, the chocolate CD and the unicorn poster hanging in your room. These were all clues to your model lifestyle and we were all too self involved to notice.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 7:32 PM 0 comments

Jacob Marley A.K.A Goofy

Last night I had a very interesting dream. In it I was visited by three spirits all claiming to be from different chapters of my life.

The first was The Ghost of Christmas Groeder. He appeared out of nowhere riding a new Schwinn Ten Speed. "Hell yeah, kid, hell yeah. I just stole this bike. I'm rolling my ass off right now Let's go rip down a sign post" He then told me that if I didn't order a wheel he was going to throw me across the room. I promised him that as soon as I awoke I would order the Domino's 555 deal. He told me that wasn't good enough. He wanted the 2 Large Pizzas for $9.99 from Wildcat. I compromised with him and agreed to order the sicilian pizza from DHOP. He said that he was going to leave, but before he did he wanted to teach me a lesson. The lesson? Verbatim. "Don't ever take the History of Espionage. It's killer." He then proceeded to light up a cigarette and beat his chest like Grape Ape.

The second was The Ghost of Christmas Klaw. He also appeared out of nowhere, but was riding on a big wheel as opposed to a stolen ten speed. He was wearing a large hat that appeared to be a dunce cap and a large bag of kitty litter. The hat actually turned out to be a Green Foam Celtics hat signed by Danny Ainge and Dennis Johnson. "What's up dude? Wanna go to a ZBT party." I declined. He understood and told me that he would like to leave me with a lesson as well. "Never throw your puke stained sheets into your shower or you might end up with a flooded basement." He also lit up a cigarette, but instead of beating his chest he changed into a pair of Syracuse wind pants and walked away. (swish swish swish swish)

The third spirit was The Ghost of Cold Coffee. He apparently appeared, but I was unable to see him. All I saw was the outline of a figure and the sound of a sniffling nose. He said that he was from the future and that he could give me information that would alter the course of history. He explained that after shutting down my blog the world was unable to grow vegetables. He was unable to explain the reason behind it, but I took his word for it. He told me that it wasn't too late to change the course of history. If I updated my blog before the clock struck midnight, the world would once again be able to grow vegetables.

I hope I'm not too late.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 6:09 PM 0 comments

Extended Hiatus? The End? The Beginning? Who Gives a Shit? Goodbye Cruel World..........?

That's All Folks! I'm Donzo.

posted by Craig Geiger @ 7:22 PM 1 comments